


I never want to know what you mean to me.

by cumberbellins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Broken Dean, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Light Angst, Protective Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 15:50:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1610699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumberbellins/pseuds/cumberbellins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes he thinks his love will break him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I never want to know what you mean to me.

Sometimes he thinks his love will break him.

Most of the time it comes in waves of affection when Cas is being clumsy of just casually weird. These times, it's like ruffling the ex-angel's hair is his reason to live. It's why the universe exists. Like the Sun and the oceans and air-planes were all invented so that at this precise moment, Dean would trace his jaw with his thumb and gently massage his skull with a fond smile. And these times are what Dean's definition of happiness is based on. Just thinking about them he tries to contain his smile, but it's like trying to keep a mouthful of water inside your mouth when someone is making you laugh. Castiel has this way of forcing it out of him. He can say pretty much anything from _Dean we're out of honey_ , to _somewhere in Amazonia there are insects the size of squirrels and I helped design them_ , and Dean will feel the corners of his mouth pull up.

Cas is like one of these strange days when the sky is filled with heavy clouds of light rain and everything is too green, from the overgrown grass to the imposing trees. He makes Dean want to lock them away from the world inside the bunker and put on an old movie they won't watch with teas they won't drink in favour of simply being content sharing their warmth.

  


But at other times, he feels like his love is a bomb.

It happens when Castiel's life is being threatened, or when he has no idea where the man is. He remembers a hand once tight around Cas' pale neck, fear in bright blue eyes searching for his, ready to yield a last goodbye and shut down. He remembers feeling this force taking control of his limbs, a white heat slowly invading his arms and legs, until it was seated in his fingers and toes, making him forget about the panic, about his own terror and his sense of survival telling him to turn around and run until his heart gave out.

 _Cut that hand off him_ , it had ordered. And he'd obeyed.

In fact he wasn't certain he could call it _obey_. Once the white heat had taken control of him, it seemed like it didn't even need to give orders. It had been a possession. He had been caged inside his own mind, had only observed himself decapitate that creature. When he'd turned around to look at Castiel, and had seen him on the floor, hands around his own purple neck trying to catch his breath, he had slowly resurfaced to kneel before him and hold him tight, apologising for something he wasn't responsible of.

Afterwards he'd told himself that his instinct had taken over. And maybe that was true. Yet, he knew there was something more to it. He'd seen more people on the verge of dying than any person on Earth, including friends of his and even his own brother, but he'd always been in control of himself. He let Sammy jump into Lucifer's cage. He let Ellen and Jo explode to save himself. He was able to let go of people that he loved, and find sleep in a bottle of whiskey. But that creature he became when there was glimmer of fright in his angel's eyes would have slaughtered an army. When it came to Cas, he had a choice: protect him, or die trying.

And that scares him. He tries to convince himself that even his most primal self must have boundaries, limits he wouldn't ever dare crossing, that there are things he'd never be able to do, with or without Castiel in the picture, that he would have beheaded that creature even if Cas hadn't been there. And the more he thinks of it, the clearer he realizes that no, he can never be certain that he would stop at anything. Thoughts about losing Cas make him toss and turn and keep him awake at night. It can hit him anywhere. He'll be in the kitchen trying to find something to eat that Sam would call cancerous and suddenly he'll feel that hole inside his chest, ready to consume all of him when Cas will leave him. Because eventually, everyone does.

So now he is staring down at a sleeping Kitsune tangled around a human being, her husband according to all appearances, and all he can think about is waking up to find Cas' cold body lying next to him. He's got his blade in hand and he can't do it.

And just like that, he knows he's already broken. 

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song "All you need to know" by The Pineapple Thief


End file.
